Nearer, My God, To Thee

We're moving from a house
to a penthouse - on the thirtieth floor.
So you see what I mean.
And I'm hoping that because we are
nearer to, you know, God,
that things will change a bit.
You see there'll be no one
between Him and us.
Only things haven't been
going too well recently.
And I thought that being that bit nearer
to, you know, God, might mean
He'd be able to hear us better
and to help a bit more.
Of course, that's not the only
reason we're moving.
No, the new Miele fitted kitchen
and the forty foot south facing
terrace played their part.
Although of course the terrace being up
in the sky, so to speak, should
help us create a direct link God.
It's been a lot of work, moving.
Choosing all of the fixtures and fittings
and the like. I wasn't sure whether
gold or silver taps would be better.
We don't want to be thought nouvelle cuisine.
Of course, Robert's bonus was a disappointment.
It was only a million this year.
And things like that pull you down.
There was my mother too. Getting
herself in the papers, marrying that
Oligarch. And she doesn't even
speak Russian. Goodness knows how
they got together. Although I don't
expect goodness had much to do with it.
Oh well, maybe things will improve now
we're nearer to, you know, God,
so to speak.

The Club

I’ve resigned from the club,
Well it’s really a gym.
There was a bit of a row,
something to do
with a chap and his towel.
Seems he caught
another chaps spectacles -
something like that.
It was hard to tell
what they’re were saying,
well, rather yelling.
Nothing to do with me
you understand.
They’re talking about
Blackballing him,
a bit difficult in his case
as he…well never mind.
I shan’t be sorry to leave the place.
The changing room’s decidedly queer.
Chaps in the nude
are not to my taste.
Far too much strutting around
and dropping their knickers
and towels on the ground.
And you can’t get a drink,
well not the sort I need.
It’s not a club I want to be in
if you can’t get a gin!
It means I’ll save a few bob
and I won’t miss not
mixing with the nobs!